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Tao of Devotion; I Promise, I Do!
by Demitra M. N.

“You study, you learn, but guard the original naïveté; it has to be within you, as desire for drink is within the drunkard or love is within the lover.”
~ Henri Matisse ~

My greatest stumbling block has always been my naïveté, about life in general and people specifically. I have often approached both with an innocent laissez faire; I’ve never been too keen on pretending to be something I wasn’t. My uncritical, childlike candor tends to mark me as one who clearly lacks the obvious sophistication that others seem so naturally blessed with. Perhaps there is a certain skip in my step or a soulful look in my eye that has always given away the simplicity of my position so that I have often found myself confronted by and countering the plethora of energetic vampires who happen within my environment. Everyone has a story to tell and I certainly have my fair share.

Though I have always wished I could give others everything that they sought, for I am a nurturer by nature, there was no way I could do so without incurring damage to myself in the process. Without the guidance of one’s intuition it’s hard to distinguish which of the many people out there that one may encounter will turn out to be “one of them” and so stay clear of them. After all, they all look the same: that is, human. Learning to work with my own intuition, and to trust it as well, took time, and until I had that down pat, I learned like many people do, the hard way—through experience—that not all people can be counted on to do right by you. Over time, I found that generally most people hide their fear and desperation behind a sophisticated veneer of worldliness, of which I have already said I am sorely lacking in, and since I could not, nor do I ever wish to be anything other than what I am, I had to find a way to deal with the hazards of the reality that surrounded me. Basically, I've made a habit of trusting no one—at least, not until they have earned my trust—and it has worked for me.

Aside from immediate family members, tied as we are by blood, there are so few people—three in all, actually—who have ever sought my friendship sincerely without resorting at some point to some form of controlled attachment. Despite the fact that there are only three, they are the most valued of relationships I have. Up until this point in my life, they alone have impressed me with truth and reality, for they are living examples of all that is truly precious. Never have they sought to use me, much less abuse me. They have never attempted to control me, in mind, body, or soul, nor have they resorted to unfair judgments. They have always accepted me for who I am—just as I am—and I have to admit, I can be quite a handful at times. After all these years I have no doubts, for they have proven time again that they, too, live by the ‘sword’ of their spiritual innocence.

We all enter life innocent and pure but too many shut down early on and learn to not only cover it over with an air of special sophistication, making relationships with others a constant trial, but they believe that their lives depend on keeping up with the charade. The reality is that as long as any one of us hangs on to Ego’s highbrowed mentality we are not genuinely relating with anyone, much less with ourselves. Caught up as we are in our fantasies of our ideals, so that even in our intimate relationships with others we merely “play house”, for genuine connections only occur at the level of soul. Also, in our sexual intimacies we can’t fully grasp how each of the energetic exchanges we participate in, fuses us to our chosen partner in very permanent ways—yes, even those one-night stands! But I won’t go into the implications of the sexual energy exchanges at this time; I do however wish to discuss the institution of marriage.

"Love brings up everything unlike itself. Fear is detoxed, subconsciously brought to the fore whenever love arrives. Once aroused, it will either trigger us or depart from us, depending on whether it is forgiven or punished."
~ Marianne Williamson ~

It is evident to me that too many marry (still) never fully understanding the solemnity of what they are promising. It is as saddening to me to watch the same dramas unfold time and time again, as it is for those who are getting caught up in them. I am, after all, one of those unsophisticated ones, who must deal with the aftermath of these types of relationship fallouts. Many of these broken hearts inevitably seek me out, sooner or later, for emotional support yes, but also for some replenishment of their now empty reserves of energy (a broken heart can be draining). Incidentally, when I work with people, I am doing more than just reading their cards—by allowing people to sit in the same room with me (via the phone as well) I am literally refueling them with my own energies. Reason enough, I think, to continue doing this for a living. In any case..
The main focus people ought to have when entering into marriage is the desire to create within themselves a healthy equilibrium, for the very nature of marriage is one that bears down upon all our existent imbalances and undercurrents of unsettlement and uncertainty about self, forcing them all into our conscious awareness. Marriage is a major undertaking, to say the least. Next to child rearing, it is one of the hardest jobs, precisely because it is the most demanding. But, since the majority of us are never properly schooled on the realities of marriage, it has one of the lowest success rates of any of life’s undertakings. To enter into it without fully grasping the enormity of what’s at hand and what is to be expected tends to doom one to failure right at the start. Too many marry with the delusion that the one that initially made them feel good about themselves will continue to do so. But the only constant about life is change, which naturally includes our feelings for our love partner. Most people hope that a legal bind will secure those initial good feelings but the reality is more like the opposite.

“Immature love says: "I love you because I need you." Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."
~ Gandhi ~

The truth of the matter is that marriage is NOT about one’s partner filling-in all that we lack but IS most definitely about one’s partner SHOWING us who we really are. They mean to emphasize all that we are, to be certain, but more importantly, all that we are not. Since it is our tendency to project onto others both our good qualities, as well as our weaknesses, marriage provides us with numerous opportunities to discover both, so that we may own the former and minimize the latter. Marriage difficulties occur when we fail to realize that our strengths will likely turn out to be our partner’s weaknesses, and likewise, our weaknesses will turn out to be our partner’s strengths. So though too many enter into the institution of marriage to experience the peace and tranquility of a secure life—a happily ever after, as it were—they soon discover that marriage is far, far from a peaceful and tranquil experience. In fact, if peace and tranquility are what you seek, marriage may not be quite the right thing for you at this time.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
~ A Course in Miracles ~

Most marriages are entered into foolishly and naively and are therefore based on the impulsive fantasies of immaturity rather than on a well-thought-out vision of greatness.

Marriages will not survive excessive optimism—get your head out of the clouds.

They will not survive unwise gambles—stop playing with fire.

They often don’t survive too much lack in foresight—look before you leap.

However, trusting in a higher power has a way of getting us through the more difficult times than not but, though most wed in some holy institution or other, they forget to bring the idea of God home with them.

Staying youthful, optimistic, and uninhibited in our thinking all serve to keep the relationship fresh, positive, exciting and alive but, again, too many don’t realize the marriage certificate itself doesn’t make up for our failure to retain our zest for living.

The following are just a drop in the bucket of all the things that marriage will force us to deal with:

Dependency—yours and your partner’s. Laziness—yours and your partner’s. Insecurity—yours and your partner’s. Self-doubt—yours and your partner’s. Frustration (especially the sexual kind)—yours and your partner’s. Poor money management—you guessed it, yours and your partner’s.

Learning to deal with these matters with realism, understanding and determination.. this is marriage.

“People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.”
~ Joseph F. Newton Men ~

You look to your partner for comfort and find instead discontent. You look to them for security and find instead loss. You look for fulfillment and find instead unending frustration. You look for the freedom to be yourself and find suffocation instead. But really, it’s all in the way we choose to look at it—in that, we always have choice. Therefore, in order to heal us of our imbalances, marriage is an opportunity to more formally work on “owning” our totality through a mutual cooperation and reciprocal compromise. This is why marriage is often referred to as an INSTITUTION, because by its very nature, an institution is that which provides a stable organization with agreed upon rules and traditions to follow. Of course, the rules and traditions agreed upon are likely to vary from one marriage to the next because just like individual people, marriages are unique as well.

Basically, in order that we may learn to forgive ourselves our own faults and flaws, we must practice forgiving of our partner theirs by loving them and supporting them through their own process of growth however it may manifest.

We are required to commence the marriage on the right foot—this is called a commitment. Unfortunately, too many commence on the wrong foot—they marry conditionally—i.e. I will love you as long as you… etc.—as well as making empty promises, and holding onto false hopes. Inevitably, enthusiasm for the wedding day with no real planning for an actual future together, amounts to all talk and no real action in the end. In essence, you’ve set off on a journey but have no idea where you’re going. No one in their right mind would start a business in this way and yet marriages are started this way everyday.

The fact is that anything we begin, by applying the wrong kind of energy, will not be able to sustain itself forever. Marriage based on our personal selfish demands does not survive—specifically our expectation that our partner is meant to “fulfill” us. We must come to realize that true fulfillment doesn’t come from out there, but is something we work at ourselves. The partner is there primarily to “mirror” back to us, and serve as a constant reminder of what we MUST be attending to at any given point.

Success at anything, but especially marriage, requires commitment in the long-term, therefore, giving up is not meant to be an option, nor can we look upon the length or number of difficult times as wasted energy, and to despair. Both hopelessness and excessive worry about material matters will also cause us to consider abandoning our (holy) alliance too soon. We must cultivate patience if we are to enjoy the fruits of our labors, which will become apparent only after we’ve really, truly, applied ourselves to all the intricacies that this kind of alliance demands. Our mantra day by day, for both the good and the bad, ought to be: This too shall pass.

“As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I in a love relationship do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming.”
~ Leo Buscaglia ~

Ideally, marriage will nurture us emotionally and spiritually. The friendship we create with our partner will often also provide us with the happiness and joy we sought and hoped for initially, but only if we begin with the right attitude and stick it out through the thick and the thin. Ultimately, it is our capacity to fall in love, OVER and OVER again, with the same person that is the real reward, which extends and refines our sensitivity and compassion levels for others outside of our matrimonial union as well.

But all of this falls to the way side unless we take a hard look at what is really going on deep inside us. If we approach our partnership heavy-handedly and recklessly, with sarcasm and thoughtlessness, avoidance and neglect, our immaturity loses us the spirit of sacredness that the marriage ought to be founded on. Remember, he who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. Love hasn’t a chance at springing forth when we oppose and/or disregard our partner’s feelings. We must practice disciplining ourselves to think before we speak or act. Above all, we must focus our mind to be logical and just in matters of the heart.

Our past experiences have given us much emotional turmoil to deal with; a great deal of hurt and sadness to heal. But the fact that we have made it this far should always be a reminder that we are survivors and that we can go much further than we think. We must continually remind ourselves that our alliance holds tremendous potential for changing our whole life experience for the better if we but nurture it day-by-day. Marriage itself never sours; it is we that sour on the idea of marriage.

Often we will feel like we are fighting a losing battle. We will be pressured into head-on confrontations, but we must not give-in to the fight, and yet neither should we give up on the struggle. Challenge is precisely what marriage is all about. We must dig down and call upon our reserves of strength and courage to prevail. Take the bull by the horns and deal with the feelings that surface and remember what a gift this all is. If we make the effort, we can’t help but experience numerous successes. If we can remember that the real fight is the one going on inside of us it’ll be easier to keep from projecting our personal issues onto our partner, so we can turn inside to deal with the source of our real distress.

”The best relationship is the one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. “
~Unknown~

In virtually all marriages, because so many who enter into it without understanding what they are up against, circumstances will take unexpected turns for the worse. Sure there will be good times, but more often than not our hopes and wishes will appear to go unfulfilled. But life moves in cycles and so all these things will pass in time and give way to better times; disappointment is not a forever thing. Unexpected setbacks only need to be dealt with directly and appropriately without the need to cast blame or to go into denial. If we breathe deeply through the trying times without attempting to sweep important things under the rug because they threaten our immediate security we can grow deeper into the alliance. Everything changes—riding the up and down waves of the changes of our relationship without seeking to judge it or escape from it will breathe new life into the relationship and transform it, and us, with our patience, our compassion, and our nurturing.
In the long term, we must keep a tight lid on our false pride and own up to our personal misconducts. We must put an end to the gossip that goes on within us, those that thoughtlessly slander our partner with subtle suspicions and blatant accusations of wrongdoing. We will find that often the wrongdoing originates within ourselves in some form or another and that only in correcting these blind spots in ourselves can we effectively excise it from our outer environment.

Ultimately, marriage is the battleground where mistakes and misunderstandings meet and wage war. Our capacity for forgiveness is the nurse that will bandage the wounds we end up inflicting on each other. We must face our feelings and then patiently wait for matters to unfold at their own pace. Strong emotions will surface but as long as we deal with them head-on we will not get caught in stalemates with our partners—we can keep moving ahead. DECISIVENESS is the all-important key word here. As long as we remain decisive about the health of our relationship, it will stay alive. Uncertainties and quarrels are inevitable but getting mired in them for long periods of time with no real resolution is always a dangerous game to play because the tension it produces tricks us into believing that we're actively working on it when the reality is that we are spinning our wheels in the muck of the process and just fooling ourselves.

I leave you with a few wise words extracted from “The Book of Changes”, also known as the “I Ching”.

Hexagram # 31
The Influence of the Strong Over the Weak
ALL SUCCESS in human relationships depends upon the proper attraction between persons. The leader is attracted to his followers, and the followers are attracted to the leader. The strong are attracted to the weak, and the weak are attracted to the strong. The husband to the wife, and the wife to the husband. This mutual reliance causes them to come together, to work together, and to find success together. Their natures complement one another and produce a combination that is mutually reinforcing and that supplies what the other lacks. (This balancing of opposites can function within the same individual.) An inner restraint coupled with an outward expression of joy produces an evenness of temperament that allows the individual to remain within the bounds of propriety. The influential relationship of the strong and the weak should not be taken as a predatory relationship in which one person takes advantage of the other and uses his strength to exploit the weaker member. On the contrary, the strong takes the initiative and honors, respects, and protects the weak, shows deference to the weak, and thus enables the strong and the weak to join together in a mutually beneficial relationship. It is this beneficial attention to the weaker member that attracts that member and produces a cheerful, joyous response in the weaker one. It is the spiritual strength of the wise sage that attracts his followers to him and that enables him to exert influence over them. And it is their need and receptivity that attracts him to them. By examining the affinity that beings have for one another, it is possible to understand the dynamics of every being and of every relationship in existence.

Remember, “be courteous to all but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is, after all, a plant of slow growth and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.”

..Namaste^

Demitra M. N.

The photo used above is a Vladimir Kush entitled, “Two Our Time”.

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