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"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit."
~ Peter Ustinov ~

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"Authenticity occurs when the head and the heart meet at the lips;
when what we think and what we feel is congruent with what we say and do."
~ Dr. Carl Hammerschlag ~

This law, The Law of Relationship, brings us right back to the issue of authenticity. Granted, though authenticity is only one piece of the whole relationship puzzle, its a VERY critical piece. And so, back we go to asking: "Are we being our genuine selves?.. Are we living in sync with our values and principles?.. or are we drawing back and playing a role because we're too afraid to be completely honest, or because that's what we believe others want from us? A role may land us a relationship but unless we can keep up the charade we're going to eventually get caught in our lie, and duplicity just never fares well in any relationship.

Thus, being authentic is the key to happy, healthy relationships. It is not trying to be someone we think others want us to be. It is not doing what we do just to get by. It is doing whatever it takes to assure others that we ARE who we say we are and are consistently doing what's right. Frankly, it's just not possible to be happy without being true to ourselves. Ironically, not being authentic is a huge energy-sapper; being authentic is infinitely easier, requiring less energy consumption, while falseness takes a lot more out of us. Ultimately, most people can sense when something is not right. They may not always be able to put their finger on it, but they can sense when we're not expressing REALness. As they say, you can fool SOME of the people SOME of the time (even yourself) but not ALL of the people ALL of the time.

To be real within any relationship means looking more closely at the roles, dreams and images that get in our way. Roles can be quite hypnotic so we must be objective and lucid in our efforts. We can fall in love with a role or a fantasy and even begin to believe it is who we are, or we fall in love with and hypnotized by the role someone else is playing with us. When that happens, then we aren't falling in love with THE person, but with the FANTASY of who we'd like them to be. Either way, it can come as quite a shock when either person drops the facade. The biggest danger of being lost in a role is that we can lose touch with the reality of what's happening, both for ourselves and others. An incredible amount of misunderstanding and lack of communication comes about through this kind of game-playing.

Some of us may fear letting go of the role or the image we present because we're confusing ego-centeredness with genuinely being one's self (or as I like to call it, self-oriented). We want others, especially our partners, to know that we care about their feelings, and authenticity may be (mis)interpreted for selfishness. However, when we are able to respond truthfully, real caring begins to arise. On the other hand, however well-intentioned we are in maintaining a role with others, we are implicitly demanding (albeit unconsciously) this kind of false response from them, as well. Something to consider.

Being authentic requires a balance between forthrightness and gaining the interpersonal skillfulness that allows us to be even MORE sensitive and caring toward our partner. It means that what we say, what we mean, what we intend, and what we do, are all in alignment and We are worthy of trust and belief. Authenticity means that we are living with integrity, and aspiring to all the wonderful joys life has to offer and doing it with a peaceful heart. More importantly, it means we can live with our guard down; be venerable; be ourselves, releasing us from the requirement to be perfect.. it frees us to just be our own good self.

 

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Reader's comment #1:
So true, so true... Sometimes I reflect upon how much time, effort, and even money we dedicate to going to the University. For me, education is very important. It opens the doors and windows of our minds. However, I like to have a long-term perspective of things, and in the end, when we are about to leave this world what we care about most is the people we love. I just don't understand why we don't dedicate a more serious effort to learn the Art of Love.

Sometimes, when people take a path to solve out relationship challenges, they realize that Love is ultimate translated into "work", inner work if you will, mainly work with self and they become disappointed. "I don't want to work so much; relationships are for enjoyment!".

I think relationship is unescapable. Even if "alone", we have a relationship with environment, animals, plants and ultimately, the first and inevitable one: our relationship with ourselves. If we are fighting with our own selves, divided inside, what can we give to others?

The other day someone wrote about Hiroshima and war, and I thought that to really do something transcendent about it we have to go HOME, literally. War is just a projection of how we live, how we deal with conflict and we all need a lot to learn. The seed of war is at home, how we deal with conflict is primarily learned there. Many of us realized through our path, that somehow we learned to be at war with ourselves. So... that is what we do outside. Our reality is always just a reflection of where we truly are.

I think relationship is the biggest mirror and opportunity to find out how we do things. Creative "doings" and also "destructive" ones. And I see the second ones as you see things, dear Skye: it is a result of inner turmoil, inner division or non-alignment. There is no harmony inside. I mean, our true self is harmonious, but somehow we learned to walk away from it, and thus, why simple ideas like learning to relax and to listen to ourselves can work wonders. Love is inside, wisdom is inside. Our true nature is compassionate, knows how to do it. We need to travel inside; thus the importance of Practice, following a path.

I think all relationships are sacred, even the most awful and destructive ones. We attract them, exactly the one we need, as you said before, because under them is our particular, perfectly designed lesson to learn. "The obstacle is the path". It is sad, however, how we automatically look outside instead of within, blame the other party for everything, without seeing how we participate in creating dysfunctional situations, but don't do our soulful homework. Partners are our biggest teachers, but nobody told us to see them that way.

Jung has a beautiful concept about love disasters: When the "marriage" (symbolizing Unity, union) cannot take place outside (in reality, when the relationship has to end), that only means that if we are following a path, it could take place within (providing us growth, through the unio oppositorum: the union or "marriage" of conflicting pulls, energies, inside of us). If not, then we very probably will repeat the experience. But it is really not tragic; every relationship is just a learning experience and a perfect mirror if we look at it with some depth.

Reader's comment #2:
There is so much here to discuss especially with everyone's comments. I totally agree with the above comment regarding relationship with self and how we deal with conflict is learned at home while growing up. I never learned any coping skills whatsoever growing up so for me I took the road of escape through alcohol and drugs. I had a long time love affair with them for many years until they no longer worked for me. My inner turmoil and inner division became so intense that I opted a few times to leave this world, but something, some Higher Power had other plans....thus my journey began. I had to begin within and could no longer escape. People were put on my path to guide me and all I had to do was be willing and that I was and continue to be. The gifts i have received since working on self are unfathomable!!!! My relationship with my partner is oiled and when it gets a little squeaky we can be adult about it and communicate. What is so nice about "us" is that there is no bondage, control or dominance maybe because we are authentic with ourselves that we can be real and genuine as a couple?? Don't know...but I am grateful for all that was in my life because it helped me get here, to all that is and it's all good!!!!! Thank you! ...Namaste

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